Friday, August 5

#7: seven things to bear in mind when casting your vote, if you haven't already done so.

1. I have written all of this week's "seven" posts whilst on holiday, on an ancient laptop which takes ages to boot up, with a dodgy screen which keeps flickering on and off, and using a rather erratic 38.6k bps dial-up connection which frequently stuffs up for no reason, sometimes forcing a complete re-boot. As a result, and because there is only so much torture that one can reasonably put oneself through, I have been forced to abandon my own blog , which hasn't been updated for nearly a week. I feel that this demonstrates my desperate urge to win selfless commitment to the project.

2. The last time that I came first in anything was in 1974, when I won the school Scripture prize; and so, thirty-one years later, it would be wonderful to savour the sweet scent of victory just one more time.. You have it in your power to grant me that simple wish. Is that too much to ask for?

3. Vitriolica has been streets ahead in the poll all week. As the current runner-up, this makes me the Plucky Underdog - and we all know how important it is to support the Plucky Underdog, right?

4. In the last week or so, Vitriolica's blog has been bigged up by both the BBC and the Guardian. Naturally, I am thrilled for her. But consider this: hasn't she now had her time in the sun? Does she really need yet another accolade? And isn't it time to make way for fresh blood?

5. Yesterday, my own blog (Troubled Diva) was granted its first ever mention in the print version of one of our national daily newspapers, as part of a two-page spread ("Citizens of the internet") in The Independent, and in the illustrious company of other famous online diarists such as Boris Johnson, Barbra Streisand, Moby, Jamie Oliver, Salam Pax, Belle De Jour, Gillian Anderson and Rosie O'Donnell. However, the two paragraph quote that was lifted from the blog was not actually written by me at all, but by... guess who? Yes, that Vitriolica woman! Again! All of which left me with an authorial credit of "Anonymous Woman". HELLO! MY NAME IS MIKE, AND I AM A FULLY BE-PENISED AND BE-TESTICLED GEEZER! There is one way, and one way only, of writing this great wrong, and I think you know what I'm talking about.

6. Didn't I make you laugh, with my laconic, self-deprecatory wit and easy facility with the well-placed bon mot? Didn't I make you cry, with my heart-rendingly honest "confessional" pieces? Didn't I let you into my heart, as we shared our hopes and fears? Wasn't it good? Wasn't it fine? Isn't it madness that you can't be mine? Was I not fragrant?

7. What, am I to be allowed just one more point? But which shall it be? That I completed all my tasks on time? That I played fair with the voting, not casting multiple votes and not pimping for them on my own blog? Or should I perhaps remind you of those helpful "Davina-Mike" summaries, which explained the wibble of the first few weeks? Or how about my principled (if doomed) rooftop protest, which added gaiety to the nation in those early weeks? But, no. My last point shall be this: I may not be able to draw pretty pictures, but I do wear the most sublime hats.

Have I said too much? There's nothing more I can think of to say to you. But all you have to do is look at me to know...

...that every word is true.

Ciao, kittens. It's been real.


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