The first annual Norfolk toast festival

Naturally, we celebrate people like Nelson Mandela and Mother Teresa and the Baby Jesus and that, but I can’t remember society ever doing anything for the man who invented Toast. After all, he has brought great happiness to the world. He, and his invention, deserves recognition.

At this point I should say I don’t know exactly who it was (and it could have been a lady) but you can probably find out using Google.

My festival will celebrate all things toast. There will obviously be a toast exhibition, as well as toast-making demonstrations etc, including masterclasses on how best to deal with brown bread, bread that doesn’t quite fit the toaster, rack technique etc. I think that it will also be important to do some things that appeal to young people, so that they can get fully involved in the issues. I’m envisaging something quite big, with at least three or four camping fields, and maybe twenty/thirty toasters (four slice models) working 24/7.

Music will be provided by David Gates, of Bread.

I may also release a tribute record: ‘Don’t Close the Toast Office’, or that might be one in-joke too far.

We will have a competition for best toast, split down into categories (sliced white, wholemeal etc), and of course food will be provided by catering vans, as long as they provide toast. There may also be some unofficial fringe sessions (muffins, teacakes, crumpets etc) but these are neither endorsed nor recommended by the main festival.

Tickets will be available on a first-come first-served basis. Members of the Toast Society will get the usual discount, and all proceeds will go to providing cheap clockwork toasters for Africa.

I’ll see you there.