The Overseas Jolly Steeplechase

Rule 1 – Teams

The Overseas Jolly Steeplechase is a team sport, although teams are not fixed in number. A team should consist of at least four, although there is no limit to the numbers. Around twelve is considered the optimum size for a team, as this team is capable of making the most noise and disruption without splintering into smaller teams. There are three distinct competitions, the men’s, the ladies and the mixed event.

Rule 2 – Attire

Although a team kit is not deemed essential, in the men’s and ladies competitions a well thought out uniform does garner extra points from the judges. In the men’s event the team is often associated with another sporting association of some sort, and so the shirt normally worn by that team is often used, and although this is not a particularly inspired choice it will be looked on with some favour. Much better however is a set of specially designed shirts featuring an identifying mark such as "Masher’s Stag" or "Macclesfield Lads Away". For the ladies event, headgear is also considered good form, and this should generally consist of a set of red flashing devil horns. Other additional accoutrements such as wedding veils, fairy wings etc will also garner bonus points.

Rule 3 – The Course

The Overseas Jolly Steeplechase is held in various cities across Europe. The Dublin and Prague events are particularly popular. The event lasts for one weekend and the exact course can be selected by the team themselves, although it has to fall within particular guidelines laid out by the OJS ruling body. Of especial importance is that the course should not take any of the participants within spitting distance of any important landmark or museum of cultural interest.

The course should begin at the airport. The best tactics are to start at the airport bar where the participants can perform for the first time the most important of all the point-scoring activities within this sport, the manoeuvre known as "getting the bevvies in." Teams will be scored according to how many times they can perform this manoeuvre over the course of the weekend.

Rule 4 – The Object

The object of the OJS is to experience as little of the city in which the event is taking place as possible, while simultaneously murdering whatever few brain cells remain in your head with copious quantities of alcohol. The more alcohol consumed over the course of the weekend, the higher the points score. However, additional bonus points which can make the difference between winning and losing are awarded for causing the maximum amount of disruption to the local inhabitants of the city during your brief stay.

Rule 5 – The Scoring.

Getting the Bevvies In – This is the main point scoring activity and scores ten points on each successful completion. A complete GTBI will be scored when every member of the group has an alcoholic drink in their hands. Points will be lost if any member of the group performs the FABW swerve, a tricky move where the team member utters the words "not for me, I’m Feeling A Bit Wrecked".

Two bonus points are awarded each time a team member attempts to communicate with a foreign person by shouting at them in English using each word slowly and distinctly as if this will somehow make them more understandable to a person who does not speak the language. A bonus point will also be awarded if the phrase being used is "where can I get some proper grub, you know, kebabs and curries and stuff, none of this foreign muck."

Five bonus points are awarded for each complete rendition of "Show Me The Way To Amarillo" performed in the middle of the street. To gain the points, each team member must join in, and at least one must not know the words. An additional bonus point is awarded for each hour after two in the morning at which this manoeuvre is performed, up to five o’clock.

In the men’s competition, a bonus point can be awarded each time a team member shouts the mantra "’allo darlin’, you’re fit, fancy a quick one" at a passing female, although points can be deducted if more than 75% of any opposition team declare that that the woman in question was "a bit of a minger".

A bonus point is awarded for each team member who vomits in the street. Only one bonus point per team member, although an additional bonus point may be awarded if he vomits five or more times.

A one time only twenty point bonus is awarded if any team member picks up a litter bin and throws it down the street scattering its contents.

In each participating city a list of important landmarks has been identified. Five points will be deducted from the team each time a team member inadvertently spots one of these landmarks. Should any team member accidentally enter any museum, art gallery or important public building, the team is immediately stripped of all its points and has to begin again from zero.

Rule 6 – Final Judging

This is the most important part of the contest. Following departure from the host city, the final points total will be added up, and then will be supplemented by the judges who will randomly interview one hundred inhabitants of the city and will award ten bonus points for each one who uses the key phrase "fucking hate the British". Ten points will be deducted for each one who claims that the team were "nice and well behaved."

Good luck, and mine’s a pint of Stella.