Task 8: The Mean Mike Party.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Spare me the tree-hugging hippy shit, please. Now, let's get real, shall we? Because the true primary task of every successful politician is, of course, mercilessly slagging off the opposition. And this is a task from which I do not intend to flinch.
So let's see who we're up against. The Don't Kill People Party? Yes, all very nice. I'm sure. But since when have single-issue gesture politics but bread on the table? Eh? EH? Oh, do stop hissing like that. The Mean Mike Party is the party of straight talking, and straight actin...
Moving swiftly on. Over here, in the fetching brown rosettes with the red diagonal lines, we have the No More Bull Shit Party, with their promise to banish "flannel, lies, spin and sound bites" from politics. To which I say: you might as well banish competitiveness from sport, the profit motive from business, and roast turkeys from Christmas Day. What's that at the back? No madam, you may call it cynicism; I call it realism.
Let us turn now to the fluffy inanities of the Party Party, whose woefully muddle-headed thinking is swiftly exposed by its frankly terrifying conflation of "fun and games" with "clowns and bouncy castles". Let's face it: if you are of voting age, and clowns and bouncy castles are still your idea of fun, then perhaps you and the Party Party deserve each other. Now run along and play, and let the grown-ups get along with the job of running the country.
Finally, we have a potentially lethal personality cult, whimsically masquerading as the JonnyB Party. Now, just because someone has a certain facility for weaving gently amusing vignettes of rural East Anglian life, does it follow that they should be entrusted with one of the great offices of state? Two words: Gyles and Brandreth. Evidence enough that light entertainment and politics make distinctly queasy bedfellows. Besides, there's nothing wrong with the colour orange.
All of which leaves you with just one clear alternative: the Mean Mike Party. Vote for us. Not because we're going to insult your intelligence by dangling pie-in-the-sky idealism in front of you - but because, like all the truly great politicians who have come before us, we are simply driven by a healthily crazed lust for power, glory, posterity, and a rather smart address in Central London.