An Offer You Can't Refuse

Ladies. Are you over the hill? Biological clock ticking away furiously? A bit plain? Maybe overweight or with an unsightly facial hair problem? Beginning to think you are going to be left on the shelf forever and end up as an elderly spinster dying alone and being eaten by your own cats? I may be the answer to all your problems!

Due to a recent bereavement, eligible forty-something now looking for a substitute mother figure to cook meals and keep my house clean. Not fussy about looks and I promise not to bother you with all that messy rude sex business. I am financially solvent, scrupulously clean and have no medical health problems. Looking for marriage straight away subject to successful interview.

References required.