halloooooo, I'm Vitriolica!

four and a half minutes elapse (ever the bloomin' punctual....)


Hi... I'm Vitriolica... Vit for short.

I've left the kids at home in Portugal with their father (and Madge... she'll be keeping up the blog while I'm locked up in here) ... so if the house is still standing when I get back it'll be a goddam miracle...

I arrived last night wearing a big floaty dress so that, for at least some of the time, I don't have to suck in my newly acquired blogging induced fat arse.... I was also wearing my sunglasses of the Magenta DeVine school.... so I can pretend at coolness while I wear them (for I am entirely the un-coolest person you shall ever meet) and so I can observe.... without being noticed.... until I have to say.... "oy, Zed, keep still, you silly moo, I'm drawing you! God!" or until someone notices me watching the "man-totty"... er,.... er.... beautiful scenery.

I've brought several pairs of dungarees...( hey, I'm TRYING to make dungarees look sexy... I've been trying since I was four) a couple of tshirts (look we're not in Portugal anymore, I can stink if I want to) several dozen hair accoutrements... I am incapable of having my hair in the same do for more than half and hour at a time... a couple of pairs of faux birkenstocks.(the kind that don't make you look SO MUCH like a German lesbian with enormous feet... but close) a little black number for evening wear and knickers. lots of knickers. I hate doing laundry.

I think I'm here as official war artist artist in residence...so, obviously I have a mountain of paper and pencils and pens and watercolours.... but, hey, I might try to have a bit of fun while I'm away from home, shake off the dowdy mumsy housewife burkha that I've taken to wearing in the last few years and shake it up a bit, put down the pencils and "shake my booty" (I've brought my latest cd buys: black eyed peas, kaiser chiefs and scissor sisters..., mike, you'rejust going to HAVE to deal with it)...

since the first BB on the telly, I've pitied envied the contestants and empathised with their desperate need for attention thought it might be fun to do such an interesting project. ... and, although I'm completely intimidated by the cameras, I also lust after them.

I will bring culture and taking-of-the-piss (especially of people who say things like that) to the house and hope that there aren't too many people smoking/shagging/overdrinking because I've given most of those up... and I don't want to be tempted back.

I never think before I do anything, draw anything, write anything.... so I hope no-one takes anything I say with more than a pinch of coke up one nostril ..... and I am prone to do an evil laugh, like the vampire in Sesame St. or Ernst Blofeld. It's sad and pathetic but true. ... and I am fundamentally against conventional punctuation (yeah, up yours lynn bloomin' truss)... in speech and text and thought..... I write and draw and talk in a kind of stream of conciousness load of crap (especially in Portuguese, god, what a relief I don't have to speak Portuguese for all the time I'm in here.... don't vote me out yet, please?) because I am profoundly lazy, so DEAL WITH IT....

(by the way, if anyone in the house doesn't like parentheses.... er....well... er.... sorry)

and I'm a fantastic and brilliant cook, as long as I don't have to lift a bloody finger to clear any of it up. and DIY is my bag... until I get profoundly bored of it. I'll go and fix that plastering, BB, I promise.

My part of the prize will be a REAL watercolour by me .... something to do with what goes on in the Big Blogger House.

I think I've said enough.

*now gives a shy little grin and ducks out of the centre of the room*