Bob's Dog thinks he's human.
Bob’s dog did stuff that humans do and forgot to do dog things.
He actually liked to do the ironing. He didn’t like sleeping in the doghouse.
He loved watching tennis on the telly. He hated chasing cars.
He liked baking cakes. He didn’t understand why other dogs sniffed his bottom.
Bob’s mum thought Bob’s dog was great. So did his dad. So did his baby sister. It meant they didn't have to do much.
But Bob thought his dog was SO embarrassing. He wanted his dog to be normal.
It was his dog that took him to school. His dog that did the shopping. His dog that went to the pictures with him. His dog even took him to the dentist.
Everyone would stare and laugh and snigger. It was awful.
One day a postcard came. It was from GRANNY. Bob’s Granny was a very strict lady. She liked to see everything as it should be and nothing SILLY! She thought that everything should be spick and span. She thought it should be the right shape, the right colour, make the right noise, do the right job, smell as it should.
The postcard said she was coming to stay.
TONIGHT! (the postcard had got stuck in the post).
But Bob’s house was how THEY liked it. With brightly coloured walls and doors everywhere (that dog had painted), interesting sculptures in the middle of the rooms (that dog had sculpted), and wonderful but strange foody smells coming from the kitchen (where dog was inventing things put in his new cookbook “Bob’s Dog Eats!”)… not the kind of house a stuffy, sniffy, grumpy grandmother likes.
Bob’s mum got into a tizz. Bob’s dad was worse. His baby sister just sat there, but that was just because she hadn’t read the postcard. Bob just thought of how horrid it would be when Granny got there and didn’t like how everything was and made everyone angry and cry by telling them that everything they did was rubbish and wrong.
Bob’s dog went to the kitchen and made everyone a cup of calming camomile tea. He told them to go out for the rest of the day and enjoy themselves and he’d sort everything out.
Bob’s mum calmed down a bit, knowing that Bob’s dog would sort everything out. Bob’s dad was still a bit shaky, but he was very scared of Granny whatever the circumstances. They all left for the cinema to go and see a horror movie, to prepare them for Granny’s visit.
Dog locked himself in and busied himself for the rest of the day. Sorting everything out.
A few hours later, just as Bob and his family were coming home from the cinema, Granny’s taxi drew up outside the house.
Granny just glared at them. She stomped up to the front door and waited for Bob’s mum to let her in… but they hadn’t taken the keys because dog was at home. SO he knocked. Granny glared some more.
Bob and his mum and dad thought that Bob’s dog was going to sort everything out, repaint the walls, take away the sculptures and make some unstinky food while they were out. And would be DOGLIKE. They were wrong.
Dog opened the door. Wearing an apron.
Dog asked her to come in.
Granny glared and held her nose. She didn’t like dogs for a start. Nor did she like the smell of garlic and stinky cheese quiche (a speciality of dog’s that he had spent the afternoon making, Bob’s favourite).
Dog offered to take Granny’s bags.
Granny held her nose and squeezed her eyes shut as she saw the colour of the walls was not wall coloured. She tried to cover her ears too because she could hear loud samba music coming from the kitchen.
“Well, YOU lot don’t change, DO you?” she screeched at Bob’s mum and Dad. “You are a disgrace, I can’t even get through the front door without being horrified by you all. And that DOG? HE’S JUST A DOG! I can see you need me to come and live here to straighten you all out!”
At which, dog took Granny’s bags, threw Granny over his shoulder and walked her back to the taxi that was still waiting to be paid. He took out a huge load of money from his apron pocket, gave it to the taxi driver and pointed west.
He walked back to the house, pointed to a large family sized dog house in the garden that he had built in the afternoon, while the quiche was cooking, and shut the front door.
Inside the dog house there was a note.
"If your Granny doesn’t like it here and makes you feel bad, then she shouldn’t come.
But YOU lot need to help me with the housework once in a while.
I’ll let you in in the morning.