See One, Hear None.
1. You may not touch the child under any given circumstances. Even if you can't shut them up.
2. You may throw light objects such as small pieces of food near the child, but not at it.
3. If the child is 10 or older, leave it alone, it may retaliate.
4. If, after 3 minutes the child does not cease to shut up, leave before you kill it.
The child may not be one of your own.
The child must be making an irritating noise to begin with, such as crying or screaming.
The child must be crying or screaming for no obvious reason. If the child has broken it's arm it's fair that it should cry.
If the child ceases to scream before 3 seconds - 10 pts.
Before 5 seconds - 9 pts.
Before 7 seconds - 8 pts.
Before 10 seconds - 5 pts.
Before 30 seconds - 4 pts.
Before 1 minute - 3 pts.
Before 1 1/2 minutes - 2 pts.
After that - 1 pt.
If the child doesn't shut up - 0 pts.
The best venue for this is in a supermarket, although restaurants and other shops are also excellent places to find an infant lying on the floor, screaming and kicking for no reason whatsoever. Museums, churches (unless the child is being christened, poor sod) and other public places are acceptable as is the beach.*
Children should be seen and not heard.
* If the child is playing and running around it is acceptable that they make a noise. Making a noise right next to your pitch is, however, unnacceptable.