Thursday, July 28

The Horror! The Horror!

They sneak up on you.

Horrible. Horrible.

You'll just be sitting there, and then out of the corner of your eye you suddenly become aware of a black shape. And there it is. Just sitting there, with it's horrible squishy body. And you know that just as you are looking at it, it is looking back at you, and wicked malevolent thoughts are running through it's putrid brain. It hates you. It enjoys the fear it instils in you. It sits there waiting to catch you off your guard, and then it will pounce. It is evil incarnate and if it could it would kill you and every one of your family.

What? Spider? No, of course not. I like spiders. Spiders are cute.

No, we're talking something horrendous here.

We're talking about....

Slugs



My blood has literally run cold just from loading up that photo. I've had to scroll it off the top of the screen just to continue typing. And even so I'm sitting here a bag of nerves knowing it's up there, just out of sight. And it's only a photo!!!!

Hate them! Hate them!

I can't even walk past one. If there is a slug on the pavement, I have to step into the road. And if the traffic is heavy, well tough. Being crushed under the wheels of an oncoming articulated lorry is far prefereable than getting within striking distance of one of those evil little bastards.

And it's worse for me than most of my fellow slug-o-phobics. I'm a mountaineer, and British and Irish mountains are covered with millions of the buggers. In the Kerry mountains they're even a protected species. Protected? Who would want to protect the little shits???

Now, as you may be aware, I am a long-haired radical environmentalist pinko lefty vegetarian tree-hugging hippy with new age spiritualist leanings and as such I believe, like the Buddhists, that all life has worth and that we have no right to kill any of the creatures of the earth because they are all on the same spiritual path to enlightenment as ourselves.

But I make an exception in the case of slugs.

Kill them. Stomp them. Squish them. Crush them. Put them all in a big barrel and pass 50,000 volts of electricity through them.

Actually I now feel a bit queasy at the thought of a barrel full of slugs. Urgh!

I don't know why I have this bizarre phobia. I don't remember a traumatic incident involving a slug. I think, however, it stems back to someone once telling me that slugs laid their eggs inside their own bodies and that the baby slugs then ate their way out of their mothers when they were ready for the outside world. This turns out not to be true, by the way, but for years and years I believed it and was horrified because this involved:

a. Matricide
b. Cannibalism
c. Very poor taste. After all, it involves eating a slug, and that's fucking disgusting frankly, even for a slug.

So how do I cure myself of this phobia. Well, there are Banana Slugs, which apparently when you lick them taste of banana. And another slug I don't remember the name of which people lick because the slime contains a powerful halucinogenic. Maybe the cure is for me to lick a slug.

No.

Sorry.

I don't care if it will give me multiple orgasms. There's no way on this earth I am ever licking one of those revolting devil-spawn creatures! I am just going to have to remain uncured.

6 Comments:

Blogger Alyssa said...

just read ure little thing there on slugs and i totally agree with you..i thought i was ridiculous for being so god dam scared ov a slimy little beast that moves at 1 mph!! but i cant begin to describe the fear i feel when i see one! i get this like electric shock that passes through my body and makes me feel all dirty and tingley and i cant get rid ov that feeling til i am at keast a good 500 yards away from it...people must think im crazy!! i hate them n i wish they wud just go away...i pour salt on them but it makes me feel even more sick when i see it burst into a messy pool ov slime all ova my garden path!! we need to think ov a cure or think ov something that will get rid ov slugs for ever!!

2:57 PM  
Blogger Anastasia said...

Please, please, please... put a WARNING if you are going to put a big picture of a slug in the blog!!

4:40 PM  
Blogger rufsatufsa said...

I thought I was the only one in this world.

10:00 PM  
Blogger papaguy said...

It's heartening to read that someone else suffers the exact same symptoms as me. My back garden is under the water table and a small army of the little scumbags has gathered and is seeking entry to my flat. Horrible. Horrible.

8:05 PM  
Blogger MaliElyse said...

Holy Shit! Seriously I thought I was the only one. My phobia started when I was a little girl, a barefoot tomboy running around outside one night and stepped on a huge juicy one. My father had to scrape it off why i was (blood-kurdling) screaming... All my friends think im crazy, and when i see one I freeze... but I cant look away bc when u look away, and look back, there like a whole foot away in a second. I know they seem to travel like .0000000001 inch per hour, but they're actually pretty fast. When I see 1 outside and my animals are around... I dont want them to move either, scared that they will step on or roll on the slug and bring it in.... AGH. Plus after I see one, for the rest of the day, im constantly looking around and watching where I step, in the house even... I have no clue, if there is a god, why hey would want to create such a demon creature...

9:36 PM  
Blogger oatsie said...

omg i can't belive there are more people who are scared shitless by slugs i am only 15 and at nights i go out my back garden for a cigarete and just now i was walking out my door and i stood on a slug with my socks on needless to say i ran inside threw my sock in the bin and precceded to burn the bottom of my foot with my lighter i could honestly say i would rather put my balls in a blender than step on a slug again

2:59 AM  

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