Friday, June 10

Hi, I'm NML

I will categorically state now - unlike on the British TV version where the black housemate tends to be a gangsta wannabe with a penchant for saying 'Ya get me' and an insatiable itch for being paranoid and controversial, or an African princess wearing a f*cked up afro wig, or camper than a field of tents whilst pontificating about being a Conservative party strategic analyst (or whatever he calls himself), you will be getting NML in her crazy Irish/English/Jamaican glory.
To ensure an unforgettable entrance, I eased myself out of the car without flashing my wotsits to the crowd and stepped into a blaze of camera flashes. I wore a strapless black a-line dress with my favourite purple suede strappy heels that have straps that wrap around my ankles. My hair was styled wild Beyonce-style and I did my best to drag my overstuffed Samsonite case without wrecking my back. When I was assured that I had everyones attention, MC Hammer's You Can't Touch This came on and I did the running man and the hammertime move, followed by MJ's Billie Jean, which I used to moonwalk my way through the doors.

I won't tell you every last thing that I have in my case, but it does include the following:
74 thongs - 1 daytime pair for each day plus 25 night-time pairs. I have a fear of running out of knickers so I have gone overboard.
30 bras in a magical array of colours - I'll probably be braless on the very hot days or in a bikini so I didn't go too overboard
7 pairs of jeans, 2 pairs of Birkenstocks, 3 pairs of flip flops, 3 evening dresses, 40 tops for both night and day, 20 skirts, 5 pairs of going out shoes, 1 rabbit vibrator, which just like when I'm at home will sit unused in my bedside cupboard, 2 pairs of sunglasses, 14 sparkly big rings that could probably take someone's eye out - not that I will be being violent! A shit load of cosmetics, steroids (Did I mention that I'm on a steroid comedown for my first week or so in the house?),
and my beloved iPod. I won't list anything else as I may appear to be nuts..........

What qualities will I bring to the house? F*ck knows. I'm honest (not to the point of being rude you must understand), I adore giving relationship advice and seem to have dedicated my life to analysing the male species. I'm a pisstaker, so I can bring some humour to the house and I'm not afraid to laugh at myself. I am rather intelligent although I'm not into University Challenge like some of my housemates...and look forward to some fierce debates. I am not a morning person and God help Big Blogger if he tries to get me to wake up before 7am. I will entertain the housemates with stories about all of my nobby exes, and the jackass guys that have chatted me up. I can cook quite well but I'm not into ironing. I despise dirt, so I will clean but do have a resistance to turning into wifey, so I will get antsy if there are housemates that don't like to pull their weight. (of course they all will though because they do all seem lovely) I love to dance and I will encourage impromptu karaoke sessions in the house where I can be a diva.

Oh and before I forget, I hate people that leave floaters in the toilet and bad stenches. Just because you've had a shit, doesn't mean I need to know about it! The toilet seat being left up will probably fuel many an argument and if anyone leaves any skids they'll be getting a hiding with the toilet brush!

I am a bit of a flirt so expect some saucy talk. I know very few people in this house - Alan (slipped in through the backdoor as the reserve) is the person I know the best and he'll probably spend a lot of his time trying to catch a glimpse of my boobs and trying to get in the shower with me (no backdoor please!) and I know Jonny B a bit who has an ability to reduce me to hysterical giggles with his talk of country life and his penchant for XL underpants. I know of Girl who seems to be right up my street and we can probably dirty talk together. I am looking forward to meeting lots of lovely new people and making firm friends.

Oh, the prize. This bit was a strain on my brain as I couldn't stop thinking of inappropriate (read:dirty) items, but in the end I settled on a signed copy of my photo of Bob Marley holding me as a baby.

That's all for now - I will do my best to behave myself (Who am I kidding?) and wish me luck xxx



Blogger Ms. Charisma said...

Good luck!

Man, that's a lot of tongs! :)

4:34 AM  
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