Private and Confidential re: IT Job.
Hi mate, thanks for the nod on the IT assistant job, I know it must be a bit of a bore having to advertise it externally and all the kerfuffle it must cause. Well it must be a bit of a laff feeding all them job applications you get through the shredder thinking of all them noddies waiting for a reply, while all the time I was in the frame for the job. You can bed IT down in the shreds he’ll be nice and comfy.
What are mates for eh, if not for a bit of nepotism and the ‘old school tie’, routine! There’ll be a pint or two in this for you Old Mate when I start, can’t say how much I need this job Al old mate, now that the statute of limitations have run out, know what I mean!
I can confirm the details with you. As I understand the terms and conditions you laid out over dinner in that bloke Ramsay’s place (what was that they were serving in there? Did I see him pass you a fairly nicely stuffed brown envelope?) OK so the salary will be about double the advertised 12 grand, what with the kickbacks and the graft. So it’s actually two days on the job with the hairy monster and then 3 days ‘consultation’ i.e. getting on the conference circuit and going on various junkets to ‘gather information’ about this rare and exotic creature. So that’s the Bahamas’ and Phuket on the agenda then.
Hey Al, who would have thought that studying at mIT would have been so profitable? Let alone doing a PhD with that online Uni so obscure that they couldn’t find anyone to examine it. I mean who would have thought it that my dissertation. ‘On It’s: the existential agenesis of the anthropomorphic agean throptomatic nebulus creatic hairiness - the journey into spacial techtonic wallonrimepheods’ would have got me anything other than a job like this. I mean I was just treading water at The National Bloody Aquarium! And no it wasn’t my fault that Shark twisters became popular around the local schools for lunch! That was just the trashy papers for you. But can't chat too much as its still sub-judice but I should make a pretty penny from that too!
I mean Al it’ll be a feather in your cap getting me, what with me being a Dr., and a known authority on the Its (and everything else) and with a bit of luck, this gig will get me my full Professorship! I mean a couple of books, a few important papers and Bob’s Your Uncle it’s the gravy train for me. Yes don't worry you'll get your slice of the gravy too.
Now are you sure that you have got enough of that stuff to keep the thing nicely numb. I mean it wouldn’t do if it lost its temper again, especially with me anywhere near it, I mean look at what happened last time. To horrible to think about really, but we got a nice price for the CCTV video from that ‘OOps the Ferocious Animal Got Me’ reality TV show. We could do that again, I mean there’s no shortage of Latvian students is there, only keep the blond ones for me, nudge nudge eh Al! – It’s a zoo out there hey - ho ho!
Anyway maybe next time those that are in the ‘know’ will know better than to leave Paul Daniels alone with a jumbo size container of that ACME hair restorer we put together in the factory up by Chernobyl. I know it made us a pretty penny, but we entrepreneurs do have some responsibility to society, we should have had him put down while we had the chance. Instead we are left with this irritating hairy wild thing with a ferocious appetite with a penchant for cutting women in half and pulling bunches of flowers from up his sleeve whilst screaming "You'll like this. Not a lot, but you'll like it". .
But look on the bright side, that’s one more less TV magician and plenty of the folding green stuff for us.
Hey ho, see you on Monday or as soon as I am freed from this current gig (Monday does look likely unless the campaign bears fruit), mines a Grande Skinny Mocha Latte and that’s just my taste in birds Har Har
All the best - no rest for the wicked eh?