Friday, July 29

Cockroaches & Big Knickers - Task 12

Amazing. I have just woken up from my day off, the day after my 28th birthday and the first thing I thought was 'F*******ck! I've got to do my BB post!'

If I had to pick stuff that I really fear, I would have to say cockroaches and enormous knickers.

I lived in Zambia for 2 years from when I was 8 and for the first month I could barely sleep a wink for all of the lizards running across the ceiling, snakes in the garden, creepy crawlies everywhere and those stupid, horrid cockroaches. Cockroaches were an occasional visitor and one day I came across one, panicked, killed it and then was left with the job of picking it up. I got some tissue and picked it up gingerly and it was one of the most disgusting things that I have ever felt. I could feel its hard-ish skin through the tissue but it also felt bloated and just plain creepy. My whole body got the heeby jeebies and even now, as I think about it, I feel like chucking up!

So you can imagine my horror when I was in Sharm el Sheik airport almost 2 weeks ago getting ready to go home. My friend and I were busting and ventured into the toilets. Now I must point out that when you walk around the airport, it looks like your average airport - well lit, lots of shops, lots of places to eat, airy and clean. The toilets were horrid - low lighting from the broken lights, grey, smelled like the depths of hell and a woman sitting on the counter handing out 2 squares of tissue! My brain was saying 'Run like the wind' and my bladder was saying 'Hurry the f*ck up, I'm full!'

So I went into the cubicle and tried to find somewhere to put my bags that wouldn't cause me to leave with a load of germs on me. Just as I undid the button and zip on my combats and pulled them down my legs, I saw the little bastard. The cockroach wasn't quite as big as the one from Zambia but that didn't stop my whole body from shaking and feeling a terrible urge to throw up. As it scurried between our two cubicles, I screamed like I was being butchered by Jack the Ripper. I couldn't decide whether to throw up in the toilet (changed my mind when I saw how utterly disgusting it was), run or just go for the wee.

The cockroach came back in again and I snatched up my bags and dashed past the toilet attendant who was trying to kill another roach, and into the hallway. My friend came running out seconds later with her trousers barely pulled up and we proceeded to howl with laughter and rub the toilet atmosphere off us.

How will I cure myself of my phobia of cockroaches? I think I need to go for Cock-Therapy. I would have to do a re-enaction of the events that caused the fear and push past it. ie I could kill a cockroach and pick it up with tissue and be completely unfazed, or sit on the toilet with cockroaches running all over the gaff. Thinking about it, I feel like I'm going to throw up so lets move on.

I have a huge fear of huge knickers. I don't mean French knickers, little boxers, pretty ones (you don't wear them out but either wear them in bed in or use them for seduction), or seamless knickers. I am referring to those en-or-mous granny pants that leave whopping VPLs (visible panty lines- see image) that can be seen from Mars, immediately make your bits and pieces look like a no-go zone, and can easily be used as a makeshift parachute. I think it's why I'm not a fan of Marks & Spencer (I do love their giant choc chip cookies, lemon juice and tights) - they have over a third of the lingerie market and I hold them personally responsible for the trauma of seeing the VPLs left by their customers.

My solution to stop women buying these pants - put cockroaches in them. That should put a stop to it! I can see the headlines now 'M&S big knicker departments flooded with cockroaches. Thongs being worn by the young and old'. Hee hee!


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