In Which I Arrange A Charity Festival Night
……………Is our rallying cry.
Possibly not one which has been heard too many times but that is exactly why we need to publicise this shameful dearth of fag-hags in our society today.
And don’t say this has no relevance to your life today. Remember your Auntie who had a ‘special friend’ who always remembered her birthdays and took her out? That lady who lived in your street who always had a posse of young men to take her to concerts and the theatre? They were Fag-Hags – and they are a dying breed.
I’m in negotiation to clear Compton Street and Madame Jo-Jo’s of hen parties and city boys for the night and all the artistes will give their services for free. Kit And The Widow have graciously agreed to perform a new show, the London cast of Chicago will perform a song from the show and Elaine Strich herself will appear by a video link-up from the sister concert in New York. (Thanks to David Guest for arranging this) Alexander McQueen will design the set in arrangement with the Estate Of Frederick Ashton.
As you head in, Stephen Fry and Ian Mckellan will co-host and will be passing the collecting buckets amongst you.
Remember: £5 will buy a packet of Bensons for a Fag-Hag.
£20 will buy her a cigarette holder and improve her quality of life.
£40 will give her a manicure and pedicure and raise her self-esteem.
£60 will see her with a ticket to see Matthew Bourne’s latest show and get her into the after-show party.
And £200 will make her a Friend of The Old Vic for a year.
There will of course be a drop-off point after the event where your Fag-Hag can be ferried home safely while you trollops go off to some dive to pick up some-one entirely unsuitable.
I envisage canapés, champagne and cocktails – hopefully Harrods will stump up with a corporate donation and generously provide the staple diet for this endangered species.