Monday, July 4

JonnyB and the Celebrity Stars of Reality TV

JonnyB has lost his voice and has asked Big Blogger to pass this sermon on to his adoring public:

Part 1 in a series of 3.

Peter Andre, star, ‘I’m a Celebrity, Get me out of here’.

A swanky venue in London. The launch party for Peter Andre’s new album.

An unfeasible and bizarre series of events allowed me to gatecrash with a friend, posing as record company people. I was a bit uncomfortable about this, but not so uncomfortable that I didn’t do it and drink the free champagne. All the stars were there. Melinda Messenger, for instance. She was surrounded by fawning.

To me, she didn’t look particularly attractive. Then I found myself in a queue next to Shannon from ‘Home and Away’ and fell in love for a bit, so I lost the next hour or so following her around and staring.

I was too shy to talk to her. Mind you, she didn’t talk to me either. She was probably intimidated. Or scared.

Peter Andre (or ‘Peter’ to me) seemed nervous. I expected him to be acting the big star that he was, but I realised quite quickly – the evening was a promotional thing full of very very cool and important people. And the whole room radiated:

“Yeah, come on then, Andre. Impress us, you little shit.”

Some blonde ladies from the Daily Express chatted to us. They wanted to go on elsewhere. I suspect they were after cocaine. Or sex. Or cocaine-fuelled sex. I bridled at the implication that I was the sort of person that would just disappear with two blondes in order to snort cocaine off their breasts before watching them cavort with each other and dress me in their clothing. But before I could make my excuses and leave, they made their excuses and left.

Peter sung some songs. He was actually very good, if you discount the quality of the material itself. His pre-performance speech again betrayed nerves. This was such a big day for him.

And then it happened.

We were stood there at the edge of the room. Beside some tropical foliage as I recall. And Peter, from elsewhere in the function, made a beeline directly for us.

“Are you all right, fellas?” he beseeched.

I smiled.

“We’re all right, Peter,” I replied, in my most reassuring, reassuring voice. I think I may have touched him on the shoulder.

He nodded and you could see confidence welling up inside him. He looked genuinely pleased. We parted, something having passed between us.

Peter Andre went on to become a big reality TV star, shag that Jordan bird and write a timeless song called ‘Insania’.

Now, I am not claiming all the credit for his subsequent success. But deep down I am proud that my simple encouraging words were instrumental in his growth as a person and later achievements.

We have never spoken again, but he does not need me now.

Coming soon – Part two. JonnyB meets Tony Hadley.


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