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Surprisingly, few have mentioned my efforts to bring a little culture into this project. Loathe as I am to publicise my good works, I think it is important that everyone be given the wonderful opportunity of taking part in the series of debates and lectures that I will be organising over the next few days, as an alternative to the self-indulgence, debauchery and fascination with the scatological that appears to characterise existence here.

Suggested topics:

• John Motson and his influence on the lesbian undertones in 21^st Century literature.
• The role of umbrellas in the novels of D H Lawrence.
• Boris Johnson – the new Castro?
• The legalisation of pre-conception abortions.
• Which modern musician will leave the greatest legacy – Cilla Black, The Troggs or Jason Donavan?
• Do cats really have nine lives, and if so doesn’t that piss on Schrodinger’s fireworks somewhat?
• Emmanuel Kant – Twat or what?