Tuesday, June 21


Rule 1: There shall be no whistling, humming, singing or other audible representation of any song by Welsh band ‘The Stereophonics’.

Rule 2: Dog Shit. I hate Dog Shit. I know there are no dogs in here, but we must all be on our guard for Dog Shit.

Rule 3: These trousers that sort of ride down over the arse, exposing a skimpy G-string. What’s with that, then? They will be looked back on as we now look back on flared trousers and goatees. These trousers aren't big and aren't clever, please wear proper attire. Ladies, you are exempt from this rule.

Rule 4: I’m confused. I’d thought Tony Blair had abolished rule 4. It was one of the big things he had to do to make New Labour electable. It was all we really talked about in Norfolk. Something about how we all owned everything that was anything, or something.

Rule 5: Oh no. That was Clause 4.


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