Mini-task: five rules.

1. No more holding in of farts, please. We're all in danger of rupturing ourselves from the strain. So let's just collectively let rip and have done with it, eh?

2. No more of this "ooh, I'm not really a smoker but could I just nick one of yours?" nonsense. Yes, I know it's stressful in here. But there are other methods of relief. (See #1 above.)

3. Much as we all adore our dear little Quickos, I do feel that puppets should be seen but not heard before noon. There's just something fundamentally wrong about morning chirpiness, don't you think?

4. Bottled lager should never be poured down the side of a glass. You should pour it vertically - i.e. straight down the middle - then let the head settle, then pour a little bit more, and so on. Yes, it does require a small degree of patience. But what are we, savages?

5. No more "ironic" plays of the Crazy Frog tune off my iPod, please. That joke is like so OVAH. (And the same goes for "Is This The Way To Amarillo". What is this, February?)