The lunatics have taken over the asylum

Dr. Rob creeps out from the shrubbery where he has spent the day chatting to the short fat bird which turned out to be Julie Burchill, while waiting for his face to go back to normal. Julie, it seems had crept into the house, through the gap in the fence made by Alan (les autre) last night in the hope of a scoop to revive her flagging career. She was hoping that the inside line on the newest reality show phenomena since ‘I’m a slag put me on a desert island so I can drool over some camp looking hunks with Maori tattoos’ would stand her in good stead with the Guardian or at least the Burnham–on–Sea enquirer.

Dr. Rob and Julie had spent a relatively quiet afternoon shooting the breeze and picking at the charred remains of various, animals, glove puppets and marionettes that had been burnt to a cinder, earlier that morning, they were rather tasty but as Julie pointed out they were missing a certain j ne se qua’ such as piri piri sauce. Dr. Rob wasn’t sure there was any in the house as all volatile liquids had been poured down the necks of Gordon and Mike within an hour of them entering the house. He had left her struggling with a piece of yellow fluff that was caught in her teeth and a satellite phone with a direct line to the ‘’price-drop TV’ newsdesk.

When Dr Rob entered the house everything seemed normal but there was a certain something in the air. No it wasn’t the normal aroma we are aware of there was a tangible something. A frission if you will. Dr. Rob sauntered around the house trying to catch the eye of any of the women, he was sure they hadn’t seen the effects of the Cillit Bang this morning and they were all sitting together giggling away and making those strange snorting noises that women make when they are in a group together. He could hear smatterings of the conversation

‘did you see his weapon….’

‘Oh so hunky….’

‘I love a man in a uniform…..’

'yes it was leather....like a snake.....'

‘And he’s so dominant, he could ………me any day darling…’ Actual conversation covered by snorting sounds

Dr. Rob moved away before people started pointing and sniggering and wondered who they were lusting over, he tried to moonwalk over to the kitchen and to his relief found he couldn't, he tried to get the microwave to work, it wouldn’t, probably because the inside was encrusted with what looked like black melted lycra and the entrails of a gremlin. Dr. Rob tried a bit, it was delishioso, he filled a bowl and moved out onto the deck to enjoy the evening sun, as he spooned the mess into his throat, he wondered where Socky had got to….