Monday, June 13

J' Accuse - Dr. Rob - The mob awaits

Dr Rob is escorted out of the House and into a box that looks remarkably like a witness box; he stands and stares out at the crowd. Down in front of him a number of old hag riddled hags sit knitting Big Blogger jumpers, cackling among themselves. The crowd hiss and boo and start chucking things at him, tomatoes, a mouldy lettuce, a torque wrench, an elephants foot, he ducks as various objet de art fly past his ears, a particularly nice faux tiffany lamp crashes into the witness box, Dr. Rob shudders, ‘that would have gone well on ebay’, he thinks.

What am I doing here he ponders….

Oh, life is bigger he roars at the crowd

It's bigger than you bellows a loud voice not unlike Davinia McCall’s

And you are not me? Dr. Rob replies spinning around and around like a record round round round

The lengths that I will go to warns Davinia as she steps out of the pool dripping hydrochloric acid on the floor

The distance in your eyes sneers Dr. Rob looking at her through the wrong end of the pay per view telescope attached to the witness box

Oh no, I've said too much’ worries Dr. Rob clasping his hands over his mouth to stop the words falling out

I set it up chuckles Davinia hopping like a frog in her excitement

That's me in the corner screams Dr. Rob, pointing, as a huge photograph is displayed on the wall

That's me in the spotlight He continues proudly, preening as the cameras zoom in

I’m losing my religion he worries as he looks out into the crowd who are all chanting Hare Krishna

Trying to keep up with you, mutters Davinia gurning at the cameras

And I don't know if I can do it she slaps Dr. Rob playfully across the back of the head

Oh no, I've said too much, he stammers, biting his lips

I haven't said enough, he corrects himself jigging because of an urgent need to urinate

I thought that I heard you laughing warns little blogger entering the room
I thought that I heard you sing, little blogger continues with the accusations
I think I thought I saw you try – little blogger attempts to stare Dr. Rob down

Every whisper Dr. Robs whispers quietly to himself not wanting to waken the sleeping lions

Of every waking hour continues Dr Rob his voice rising like an up escalater

I'm choosing my confessions, Dr. Rob strengthens his voice and looks out at the crowd who are all levitating

Trying to keep an eye on you they roar back at him, winking madly like Anne Robinson

Like a hurt lost and blinded fool, fool Dr. Rob falls to his knees as the blinding custard slides down his face

Oh no, I've said too much he splutters spitting out custard and bits of banana

I set it up squeals Davinia in delight as she skateboards past

Consider this, roars Dr. Rob in his best lecturing voice

Consider this, the echoes fly around the room

The hint of the century Dr. Rob points to the white board with his laser guided pointer

Consider this, he mutters softly into the ears of Beyonce as she undulates past

The slip that brought me, he continues wildly gesticulating like a tourettes victim using sign language

To my knees failed, yes failed he whoops like a whooping monkey who'd just found his nuts

What if all these fantasies insinuates Davinia as she hula hoops around him

Come flailing around she questions him digging the points of the cattle prod into his groin while she madly gyrates

Now I've said too much, admits Dermot O’Dreary

I thought that I heard you laughing, Little Blogger reaches for Davinias cattle prod
I thought that I heard you sing, Davinia continues to hula hoop
I think I thought I saw you try Little Blogger accuses his face contorting with rage fingering the trigger

But that was just a dream, Dr. Rob thought thrashing about, trying to duck the flying blue whale as it orbited the room

That was just a dream the mob in the room screams at him

But that was just a dream Dr Rob mutters

Try, cry, why try? Dr. Rob pulls Socky closer to him

That was just a dream, The Red Army Choir rise to a crescendo

Just a dream, just a dream, Dr. Rob hums along


The cellophane that once wrapped a two kilo block of best Cheddar falls to the floor and lies there gently swaying in the breeze until it is blown, o so softly across the floor to join the rest of the detritus under Dr. Rob’s bed, Dr. Rob settles into his pillow, his eyes r.e.m. madly in the dawns first light.


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