Fear and Loathing in the House

Dr Rob recovers from the evenings debauchery, resting his head on the kitchen table, his face felt funny once again, but not as bad as yesterday. He felt like he was a cultish gonzo reporter so he decided to drag out his old underwood from under the bed and bash out the following report on the state of this house now the elections were under way.

Fear and Loathing, The Campaign in the House Eviction Elections 2005

Dr. Rob sounds off on the fun-hogs in the passing lane

By Dr. Rob – with some help from Dr. Hunter S Thompson and Rolling Stone .com if their lawyers are reading this!

Dr Rob welcomes the morning in the house once again

Armageddon came early for Peter this year, and he was not ready for it. His long-awaited showdowns with LB turned into a series of horrible embarrassments that cracked his nerve and demoralized his closest campaign advisers. They knew he would never recover, no matter how many votes they could steal for him in da house, where the debates were closely watched and widely celebrated by millions of BB supporters who suddenly had reason to feel like winners.

JonnyB came into da house as a five-point underdog with almost no chance of winning three out of three rigged confrontations with a treacherous little freak like Mike. But the debates are over now, and the victor was clearly LB every time. He steamrollered the army of puppets and left them for roadkill.

Did you see Miss Mish on the table, trying to debate? Jesus, she talked like a donkey with no brains at all. The tide turned early, in da house, when Gordon went belly up less than halfway through his first pint of Cillit Bang, which hammered poor Gordon into jelly. It was pitiful. . . . I almost felt sorry for him, until I heard Girl call him "Mister President," and then I felt ashamed.

Mr. Hair, the house’s political wizard, felt even worse. There is angst in the heart of the house today, and panic in the bowels. Alan (the other) has a nasty little problem, and its name is Christine. Grocerjack failed miserably from the instant he got onstage. He looked weak and dumb. Vicus beat him like a gong in the shower room, then again in the kitchen and in the Jacuzzi -- and that is LB’s problem: This candidate is a weak-minded frat boy who cracks under pressure in front of 60 million voters.

That is an unacceptable failure for hardballers like Dr Rob and Vitriolica. On the undercard in the Diary Room against LB, the Girl came across as the cruel and sinister uberboss of the House. In her only honest moment during the entire debate, she vowed, "We have to make the House the best place in the world to do dirty business."

Peter signed his own death warrant in the opening round, when he finally had to speak without his TelePrompTer. It was a Cinderella story brought up to date in the House that night -- except this time the false prince turned back into a frog.

Immediately after the first debate ended LB called Muhammad Ali at his home in Michigan, but whoever answered said the champ was laughing so hard that he couldn't come to the phone. "The debate really cracked him up," he chuckled. "The champ loves a good ass-whuppin'. He says Peter looked so scared to fight, he finally just quit and laid down."

This week’s first eviction debate was such a disaster for NML that her handlers had to be crazy to let her get in the ring with Clair again. Yet LB let it happen, and we can only wonder why. But there is no doubt that BB has lost his nerve, and his career in the House is finished. NO MAS.

House politics is a vicious business, even for the nicest of bloggers, and anybody who gets into it should be prepared to grapple with the meanest of the mean. The House has never been seized by timid warriors. There are no rules, and the roadside is littered with wreckage and mangled puppets. That is why they call it the passing lane. Just ask any candidate who ever ran -- all of them expecting to be ambushed and vanquished by lies and dirty tricks. And all of them still whining about it.

That river is still running. All we have to do is get out and vote, while it's still legal, and we will wash those crooked bloggers out of the House.

Hunter S. Thompson's latest book is "Hey Rube: Blood Sport, the Bush Doctrine and the Downward Spiral of Dumbness" ('pandering to the lawyers once more' )