Tuesday, June 28


Dr Rob wandered about the garden wondering about the strange sounds in his head, it was like someone was talking to him, he was worried that he was ‘hearing voices’ again and would need his ‘medicine’. He shuddered inside at the thought.

Out on the furthest vestiges of the unknown universe two sentient beings floated around pressing buttons and waving their fingers, if that’s what you could call them along a perspexy thing like on the adverts and that film with Tom Cruise that I can’t remember!

Although they weren’t talking to each other it is clear that they are communicating.

‘Looks like a bit of a malfunction on the XRXX2000’

‘Oh yes dear, which one is that’ esp’d the other a bit camply

‘The one on that planet full of stupid people’ the main one said swishing shapey things across the Perspex in a very complex way.

‘O yes the one in that reality blog show?’

‘Yes, he’s been there weeks now and he hasn’t managed to probe one of the other earthlings’

‘You don’t say’ said the effete one

‘Yes he’s tried to ingratiate himself and everything, I think his personality chip is failing along with a main malfunction in his gonadal vortex.’

‘Hmm sounds like a case for a recall, but first I’ll just do a cerebral vortex scan’ He, or it could have been a she, or even an it reached over and pulled a big lever into scan mode.

In the Garden, Dr Rob stood suddenly stock still as a bolt of electricity seemed to shoot from the top of his head to the tip of his Gonadal Vortex! In his head words, script and random images started to flash past his inner eye.

As his eyes rolled up into the stainless steel bucket that was his head the words of the prime rules fixed them selves into his fizzing cortex

Law Zero
A robot may not injure humanity, or, through inaction, allow humanity to come to harm
In Dr. Rob a part of the circuit that one might call a brain a light lit up and a electronic voice remarked ‘Law Deleted’
Law One
A robot may not injure a human being, or, through inaction, allow a human being to come to harm, unless this would violate a higher-order Law
In Dr. Rob a part of his circuits that one might call a brain a light lit up and a electronic voice remarked ‘Law Deleted’
Law Two
(a) A robot must obey orders given it by human beings, except where such orders would conflict with a higher-order Law
(b) A robot must obey orders given it by superordinate robots, except where such orders would conflict with a higher-order Law
‘Ditto’ the voice remarked bordely
Law Three
(a) A robot must protect the existence of a superordinate robot as long as such protection does not conflict with a higher-order Law
(b) A robot must protect its own existence as long as such protection does not conflict with a higher-order Law
‘ yawn Ditto’ the voice remarked bordely
Law Four
A robot must perform the duties for which it has been programmed, except where that would conflict with a higher-order law
‘Whatever’, the voice remarked even more bordely

Internally the cogs started to whirr and his in built defences started to activate. Micro circuits sparked as atoms of pure energy flamed around his body. He tried to scream, his lips forming words he could not speak let alone form, he lurched forward as an excruciating groan issued from his gaping maw. Ex….. he gasped, Ex…., he turned towards the house where his house mates were relaxing over a whine or two.

The sentient beings looked at each other, well I say looked, but as they had no eyes they sort of visualised each other, one visualised the other as looking like Gwen Stefani yelling B_A_N_A_N_A_S , whilst the other visualised his partner more in the shape of Brad Pitt, they looked at each other and both at the same time esp’d ‘O Fuck’! He’s gone loopy’

Back in the garden Dr. Rob or the thing he had turned into took another step towards the house ‘Ter’…’ter’… ‘ter…’ he stuttered as he wobbled on straightened legs. Gordon staggered through the French windows (well they were once French, but Vit had smashed them in a fit of drunken Patriotism, demanding that British windows were fitted forth with) Gordon, straddled the patio and with a hoot of delight he sent a stream of urine in a golden arch over the herbaceous border.

Dr Rob struggling with the words and images in his head, and the fact that his arm had just turned into something resembling a gattling gun, tried to call to Gorden ‘me mate’ Gordon thought he heard. ‘me mate’ ‘hey Dr Rob’ he called tucking his member away in to his tweed underpants. ‘Come in and enjoy I’m on my second’, he called with a lascivious wink.

Up in space the two things were prodding variously shaped and coloured buttons whilst both repeating in harmony ‘Fuck Fuck Fuckedy Fuck’ ‘Oh no we’re truly fucked,’ one wailed out of unison, ‘he won’t switch off, we’ll have to use the magneto recovery reverser unit.

‘Yes that’s the answer, where is it?’ It scanned the white place full of swirly white stuff they were standing in, ‘I saw it around here recently – a while ago’. He poked a scaly digit thing at a button encased in the wall if that’s what it was called.

Dr Robs started to lurch towards the shattered French, now British windows that Gordon had just leapt through. He burst through and uttered the sound he had been trying to make ‘EXTERMINATE….’

The housemates looked agog. Vit smeared the masterpiece she had been crayoning, Miss Mish spilt Cillit Bang down her designer gown (courtesy of Matelan that great Spanish designer), Mean Mike looked up from his crochet and NML fainted. Clair, the only one with any spunk lifted a hammer in defence whilst the other Alan hid behind his beard. Zoe utter a French BAD word that rhymed with Turd, Girl and JonnyB peered around the shower curtain in amazement, but soon went back to soaping whatever it was that needed such attention.

Dr Rob stepped into the room his gattling gun arm covering the room, ‘EXTERMINATE’ he growled again.

In outer outer outer space one of the sentient beings discovered the lost equipment behind something that this writer cannot even begin to describe as it was so remarkably out of this world. Finding the plug and the adaptor they quickly punched in the PIN number, but only after a frantic hunt for the piece of paper on which it was written. Obviously they finally found it taped to the bottom of the MRRU.

Meanwhile down on earth Dr Rob had forced the house mates into a shaking shrieking and shivering huddle next to the refrigerator, with which he was having a quick conversation. It sounded a bit like a counselling session because after everything Dr Rob said, the fridge went ‘Hum’.

Finally Dr. Rob had had enough of the counselling session, he much preferred a Freudian approach than the SMEG he had just been subjected to and turned back to the task in hand ‘EXTERMINATE’ he cried aiming at the group with his gatling gun arm..

10 trillion miles above a pointy scaly thing pushed a button.

Dr Rob started to disappear into a wavey liney thing like he was going to have a memory flash back in a 1970’s soap.

A few seconds later he had disappeared…..

Vit cried ‘Doctor Rob! In a loud Portuguese accented voice

Suddenly a white thingy from outer outer outer space appeared and held a black pen thing out, it had on Dark Glasses, it flashed a blinding white light.

The house mates looked at each other huddled together by the fridge, they all looked at Vit

And said

Dr Who?

The End.


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